I have spent the last several
days praying and contemplating this article.
It is one of the few that I have written lately that I was not exited
about doing. As a matter of fact I would
just as soon leave this alone. But, it
is too important and too devastating to not attempt to tackle. I also am not that enthusiastic at the fact
that I have less Biblical facts than usual and I’m sure there will be lots of
controversy. (Contrary to what many
believe, I do not thrive on controversy)
Never the less, here we
go. The topic this time that I have
received a couple dozen calls and emails on already just this year, it is now
March 1st, is: What do
Christian parents do about a homosexual son or daughter’s “partner”? Most Christian parents that I am working with
do not let their child’s “partner” over to the house and they won’t meet with
them and some of them won’t even meet with their own child as long as they are
in that type of a relationship. They
feel that there must be a line drawn and their child must know, at any cost,
that they 100% disapprove of such a sinful relationship, etc.
The only alternative answer
that has come out of some of our groups lately is a much more merciful and
liberal point of view from the “outtreachers” camp (full disclosure: I am supposedly considered one of the leaders
of the “outreachers”) This “doctrine”
says that you cannot single the homosexuals out like that. You will never reach them that way. A sin is a sin and you wouldn’t treat an
alcoholic that way or even a fornicator that way, etc. etc.
Once again, I kind of agree
with some points on both sides and kind of disagree with some points on both
sides. (No surprise, huh?) Now, to be fair, this is more of a thought
process than a doctrine. But I am trying
to help. I’m trying to plug this
scenario into the life of Christ. It is
what I always do when I don’t have a clear answer on something.
One thing is for sure clear
to me. Sodomy, the biblical term for
homosexuality, is a far worse sin than most other sins of humanity. Yes, I said that. Read it again if you must. There are different sins. Many of you that have read my writing for
years will think I am contradicting myself because some of my past teachings on
homelessness and drug addiction. I am not. Church society has tried to categorized
people like drug addicts into some far out there, crazy strange category that
no body can understand or help or deal with and it has made a mess and I have
taught that an addict is the same as a liar or a thief, etc. and if you can
deal with one of them, then you can deal with an addict. But this is different.
God has basic rules of
creation. Rules that He balances the
universe on. Rules that regulate the
existence of man and the principals of society and the structure of the
building blocks of the world. Thus the
structure of the building blocks of relations with Him. And a two sex society is one of them. If you know nothing of God or eternity or
religion or anything and you learn how to read and read the Bible all the way
through for the first time, you can see certain patterns of truth. One would be God’s emphasis on
relationships. God to man. Man to women.
Parents to children. Family to
church, etc. When you sin the sin of
sodomy, you pervert, disrupt and exasperate the whole plan.
God’s ways are not acceptable
to you. You have burnt the bridge to
mercy, to faith, to morality, to……….Sure you can have your own kind of mercy
and be a merciful person. You can have
your own kind of faith and be a faithful person. You can even have your own kind of morality
and be a “moral person”. But you cannot
have the faith, mercy and morality the Bible speaks of. You cannot because you rejected the basic
pattern of how it all works.
You are not saying, “I see
where we should meet on Saturday instead of Sunday.” You are not saying, “I think the 3 are 1 or
the one are 3”. You are not saying, “He
said we can have a little wine but not get drunk.” You are saying, “God, your master plan that
allows me to even be in existence, that is the foundational blueprint that lets
me be me and you be God…I REJECT THAT IN THE MOST PERVERSE OF TERMS.” That, my friends, is very different.
So in that sense, I agree
with the hardliners that say that a line must be drawn on this issue. AND it is not the same as everything
else. ON THE OTHER HAND, I cannot
reconcile scripture, the life of Christ, mercy, grace and or holiness to the
idea of “boxing them out”. So far in
most of our fellowships the answer is normally, “You can come around but they
can’t.” Which almost always leads to
hardly ever seeing your child again.
Now what I am about to say is
obviously going to begin the feather ruffling process. Somehow I am working on a well thought
through response that isn’t cookie cutter but has basic principles that can be
adjusted here and there to fit most of all of the diverse situations that they
will be applied to. Something like. “Of course you can come over. We love you and you know that we do. But don’t do this in a off the cuff kind of
way. Don’t show up over here acting like
everything is “worked out now”. You may
want to let him or her know what they are walking into. That is only fair. We love you, we love them, we stand firmly
that your relationship is in open and perverse rebellion to God and we pray and
beg the Lord for your souls everyday. We
are not going to try to force a “church service” or “Bible study” every time we
see you two but you know that if there was an opening we would try to take
it. You also know that if you or your
“partner” attempted to “enlighten us” or “justify yourselves” at any given
point, that we would constitute that to a challenge to our faith and an attack
on God’s Holy Word.
That being said, if you guys
came over for chicken salad sandwiches and a few games of bad mitten, there is
no reason why that couldn’t work as long as you respected us, your
parents. If you are holding hands under
the table, patting each other on the backside or giggling in the bathroom
together we would take that as a sign that you did not just want to “be around
our family” but that you were trying to normalize homosexual relations in a
household that does not believe that there is anything normal about
homosexuality.
Once again, I could write a
book on all of the different scenarios that I have been asked and been involved
in lately. Allow me to address a few of
them.
MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO BRING
HER PARTNER TO CHRISTMAS. WE ALWAYS HAVE
THE ENTIRE FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS AT OUR HOME FOR BREAKFAST AND GIFTS. I ALWAYS GET ALL OF THE KIDS AND THEIR MATES
MATCHING CLOTHING ITEMS, ETC. I REFUSE
TO BUY THAT PERSON A GIFT AND INCLUDE THEM SO NOW MY DAUGHTER IS NOT EVEN
COMING. IT WILL BE THE FIRST YEAR THAT
WE EVER HAD CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ALL THE FAMILY. EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE HAD BACKSLIDDEN CHILDREN
BEFORE, WE HAVE NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
MY WIFE SAYS THAT IT IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST THAT THEY JUST STAY
AWAY.
This was part of a real question that I received last
year and here is some of my real response.:
It is your right to have whomsoever into your home
that you desire. And to keep whomsoever
out. But it is also you who must deal
with all of the ramifications thereof.
This action taken by your child and then reacted to by yourselves has
ended in a Christmas without an intact family.
I think it was a horrific decision by her, a “not so great” reaction by
you and a terrible outcome. Just what
if: You asked her to please come to
Christmas and don’t skip it and she said that she was only coming if she brings
her ‘partner”. And you explained that
her “partner” was a person and a soul and you knew that it would be
uncomfortable and awkward but you wanted her (your daughter) at Christmas
regardless. If bringing here “partner”
was the only way she would come, you would do your best to accommodate that but
that you were only willing to accommodate the person and not the relationship
and you think that is only fair.
We acknowledge her coming. We will have enough food for her. We will talk to her about what she does for a
living, who her family is, where she was raised, etc. But I ask that you both respect the parenting
and the beliefs that have always ruled this house and refrain from acting out
your relationship, especially in from of the younger generation, etc.
Get all of your
children and their legitimate mates matching clothing and things for Christmas
AND have a nice card with a scripture on it and a gift card inside it or
something for your daughter’s “partner”.
Now, this is VERY COMPLEX. The complexity of it as well as the vulgar
aspects of the sin is why most people end up resorting to “no coming over while
you are with that person”! But raising
kids isn’t easy and there are other things that people are dealing with in child
rearing that are just as complicated.
Catching your child with pornography, finding out that the “wrong
person” is pregnant, etc. When these
things happen we find out who the adults in the room are. We find out who the spiritual ones are and we
find out how much people really love, because they will take on the grueling
process of WORKING through things.
Lines must be drawn,
communication must be made and conversations must be had, in order for this to
work. But it is my humble opinion that
it is the best possible solution for several reasons. Will it be easy? Of course not. Will it be harder than just making them stay
away? Maybe or maybe not but this isn’t
about what is hard, it is about what is right.
And before you start “laying down the law” on what is right or not (God
hates homosexuality, He destroyed Sodom and Gamorah, etc) Let me tell you a
couple things. First of all, your job in
the Sodom and Gomarah story is not to BE GOD.
Your job, is to BE ABRAHAM! He
was the one pleading with God to not destroy them. Second of all, the most right thing to do is
always to give as many of the people involved in any given situation, as many
chances as possible, to get right with The Lord.
I feel like the situation
that I described does just that. What if
being around your family and realizing that your family is willing to suffer
and be uncomfortable for them, actually wins your child’s heart back. What if (This will drive some of you crazy)
the “partner” is the one that is ultimately affected by your Christ like spirit
and the “partner” is won to Christ and gets saved and gives up your child. How well do you think either of these
scenarios would play out if they were just told to “don’t come around”?
Another part of the
analogy. If you set up rules, such
as: You can come over anytime. You shouldn’t plan on spending the night
unless you are alone. Do not attempt to
indoctrinate any of the other kids. Do
not show direct physical touching of each other while around us. (Let me just say that our children were not
allowed to do this with their boyfriends and girlfriends around us until they
had a wedding date, if you are too lose with your kids already and try this on
the homosexual ones, then you will have a hard time overcoming the “hypocrisy”
in their eyes) This could work very much in your favor. I have seen it happen where they are not
allowed to act as a couple in front of people that they love and respect and it
makes them feel uncomfortable (convicted) to then leave and do it elsewhere. Sometimes that is a step in the right
direction. Again, something that
couldn’t happen if they just couldn’t come around.
When I describe this idea to
some, they say, “My son or my daughter, would NEVER go along with that.” I then tell them that is ok. You made some fair rules and bent over
backwards to allow them to be a part of the family and home. If they can’t do it, then they chose to stay
away as apposed to you not letting them come around. I have spoken to some homosexuals for the
family and in counseling and explained to them, when they didn’t like these
types of rules, that, Did you really think that you could do something so far
out, so anti-culture, so against history, so non-traditional Christian and all
of a sudden there would be no consequences what so ever? That is very gullible and quite selfish. Life doesn’t work that way. You can chose anything you want. But there will be ramifications. I have told them that I think that the
parents were doing an amazing job trying to accommodate them and if the
homosexual child tries to railroad the situation and force the family to accept
the relationship and not just the people in it, I will give them advice to the
contrary.
I also want you to see one
more thing about all of this. Everything
that I try to write on, I usually start with The Life of Christ. We don’t see Jesus in direct contact with a
homosexual so it is kind of tricky. I
actually heard a man use this in his argument against having anything to do
with them. He said, Jesus left us
examples on how to deal with all kinds of people. His example with homosexually was obviously
to not mess with them, because He didn’t.
Please don’t fall for this kind of simple ignorance. Jesus didn’t leave us exact direct examples
for all kinds of things. I can’t imagine
what a religion would look like If we just swept them all under the rug.
As in several other
situations, we must take what we do know about Christ and apply it, as best we
can, to what we don’t know. This is
precisely what I have tried to do in answering this question. Would Jesus just accept them and not have a
standard of conduct that they would need to measure up to? I don’t believe He would. Would He just rebuke them and run them
off? I don’t believe He would. Would He love them and accept them as human
beings but make sure that they understood where the line of truth was and allow
them to make up their own minds of how well they will adhere or not adhere and
ultimately bless them with the benefits or punish them with the consequences of
their actions? I think that is very
likely.
So, in doing this there are a
million and one scenarios to look at and I cannot possible think of them all,
let alone address them all BUT, you can start with the ones that you know and
prayerfully and logically and Biblically approach the others without knee jerk
religious emotional reactions. I believe
that if you do this, the chances of you helping your wayward child to
ultimately choose to come back to sanity, back to morality and back to CHRIST
are higher than the other options. DO
NOT overlook, go along with or condone blatant obscenities. But DO NOT make wild, broad sweeping, self
righteous, emotional rules and reactions just based on the fact that you know
such obscenities exist. If there is
anyway to keep the family unit as close as possible without sinning or
condoning sin…….IT MUST BE DONE AT ANY OTHER COST.
This is my humble
opinion. I am sure it is not 100%
correct and I am sure there will be much scrutiny. I did not write it in hopes of avoiding
criticism, nor did I write it attempting to be exhaustive and all
encompassingly accurate. I wrote it to
try to help some Holiness families that are struggling and don’t feel like they
are getting any answers. If this gives
them hope, a chance, peace or courage to try again, then I have accomplished my
goal. If you have better answers, then
please, by all means. Do what I have
done and spend the hours and hours of study and prayer and tears and then share
you heart!
God bless you!
Your humble servant,
Rev. D. Todd Sloggett
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