I have ended up
in several similar conversations lately that came to a head when one person
called me a chauvinist. Just to make
sure, I went and looked it up again. It
means a person displaying aggressive or exaggerated prejudice toward one group or
gender. In this case I am sure they
meant I was a “male” chauvinist. By
exact definition, I’m not sure if I can say that I am or am not. It is a fine line. I am positive that I am not one in the sense
that they meant it. But allow me to
share what I was attempting to explain to the different people involved.
American society
is in quite disarray. I submit that few
would disagree. There should be an
attempt to “fix” as much of it as possible.
Many are trying in their own unique ways to do just that. But if you have ever tried to fix a car,
computer, plumbing system, etc. One
thing is true. It is very difficult to
fix anything until you understand how it works.
So, how does our society work? If
you believe in God and the Holy Bible such as I do, you know that God created
society by creating a man, then a marriage, then a family and then a society
with culture, habits and so forth.
So if we look at
God’s design “backwards” we see this.
The society is a reflection of all of the families within it, the
families are reflections of the marriages that make them up and the marriages
are reflections of how each individual woman relates to each individual man and
vice versa. And of course the church is
a reciprocal reflection of them all.
This all being said, you cannot fix the society without fixing the
families and you will not fix the families without fixing the marriages and the
marriages cannot be fixed until the woman and the man understand and perform
their appropriate parts of the relationship.
So rather than
always trying to start from the top and work our way down, (passing laws to try
to legislate morality, etc), why don’t we start at the bottom and work our way
up with a strong enough foundation that can sustain the change? With all of this in mind, I have counseled a
lot of couples. Young couples, middle
age couples, couples raised in church, couples out of church. Some definite issues that I have noticed
about them are large deficiencies in the Biblical concepts of respect, protection and chain of
command. One at a time.
Respect.
When one spouse disrespects the other by arguing with them in public or
in front of their children it leaves a tremendous negative mark on both of
them. Neither of you should be correcting
the other in front of other people, especially your children or HIS peers. The woman should especially not be seen as an
arguer, debater or corrector of her husband.
Regardless of what current culture dictates, the Bible is extremely
plain about who is the leader of the family and the head of the household. As soon as that premise begins to erode, the
rest of society erodes with it. Ladies,
if you have a man that provides a decent living, is willing to work, on the
job, around the house, etc, does not abuse you verbally, mentally or
emotionally and is not an addict of such things as drugs, alcohol, pornography
or gambling…you have a man that 75% of all of your peers wish they had. You should respect him openly.
Protection. Men, you were given very clear objectives as
to your role in a marital relationship.
You are the lover and protector of your wife. Notice in scripture she is not commanded to
“love” you. She is commanded to “submit”
to you. You, on the other hand, are
commanded to LOVE her. This perfect
balance is ideal when done correctly. A
good woman will generally submit with ease to a man that truly loves and
protects her and a good man will generally, with ease, love and protect a woman
that is submitted unto him. If you do
not think so it might be because you don’t understand the depth of what is
being asked.
Submission in all
areas of life. Two cannot become one
without an agreement to follow one path.
The path has to be determined and instead of flipping a coin or leaving
it to chance, God chose for us. The path
is the path of the man. If this is not
understood in advance then there will likely by trouble. The wife is to submit to the general
direction of where to live, what types of activities to grow the family around,
who will be involved in the family fellowship, and even submit to
specifics. As specific as what he likes
you to wear, when intimacy occurs, how many children you will have and what
types of foods are to be eaten. This
probably sounds VERY EXTREME to a lot of you but it is because you don’t
realize how it is all supposed to work together. Stay with me.
Love and
PROTECT. When you add protection to love
it emphasizes a particular quadrant of love.
The overseeing responsibility of preserving. This is far, far more than just beating
someone up if they hurt her or the like.
Yes, you are to physically protect or “preserve” her by giving her a
home to live in, providing for heat, health, etc. But you are to preserve HER. Everything about her. You are to protect and preserve her ideas,
her desires, her honor, her integrity, her womanhood, her reputation. Ahhhhh, now we are getting somewhere. A man that merely bosses his wife around and
makes a paycheck and expects dinner on the table, blah, blah, blah, degrades
her in public, corrects her in front of her children, does not provide for her
to chase her goals and dreams….is not a good protector. You are leaving her reputation unprotected,
her heart unprotected, her motherhood unprotected. Now someone is going to say, “Wait a
minute! What dreams? What goals?
She gave those up to become one with him, didn’t she?” YES.
This is what I meant by “how it is supposed to all work together”. She can easily surrender her need to
forcefully push wholly for his, if he is at the same time “preserving and
protecting” hers.
Let’s take an easy example.
He likes steak. He eats red
meat. A dead cow man! She prefers fish. If you have a shallow, carnal couple that
will probably end up in trouble, it will look something like this. He will want steak, she will try to assert to
cook fish, he will scold her and belittle her, mocking her for not eating “real
meat”. Do you see this turning out very
well? Me neither. She is trying to assert her ways, he is
giving no concern what so ever to her ways.
Now, “pretend Biblical followers” at this point just say, “She is
supposed to submit and obey him, period.
She is out of line.” But watch
what happens when you have a true Biblical relationship. He likes steak and she submits to that and
learns how to make it just the way he likes it and cooks it for him 2 or 3
times a week, as much as they can afford it.
Period, end of story on her part.
He in turn, loving and protecting her, thus her desires and tastes,
takes it upon himself to make plans to get off a little early and call ahead
for reservations to a nice seafood restaurant every so many days as he can
afford it.
Her only response
to him was to submit and obey. His
response to her was to love and preserve.
You Christians will realize the basic doctrine of how we as humans must
die out to self in Christ but in turn we end up receiving new life in
Christ. This doctrine is alive and well
in the marriage relationship. The wife
is to surrender herself to her husband, in turn the husband is to preserve the
individuality of the wife in response to her willingness to become one with
him. It’s beautiful.
Men, if you have
a woman that surrenders to you and you goals and dreams, listens to you, takes
care of you and meets your needs, physically, mentally and emotionally to the
best of her ability…you have something that 80-90% of your peers long to
have. You should cherish and
PRESERVE her. Biblically speaking, she
is not supposed to strive to have her own identity, but that is because you are
supposed to strive to let her have her own identity. Her reputation should be lovely because you
spread it that way. She should be known
to be a good cook and a beautiful person and talented at her hobbies, etc…..Because
you let it be known that it is so.
Chain of command. A business, a ministry, a social event, any
group of humans functions at it’s peak when there is a chain of command. In marriage, NOBODY chose the chain of
command but God! If you have been
involved in cultures of corruption, dictatorships, dysfunctional groups full of
politics and gossip, then you will not have a frame of reference for this. A good leader, surrounded by good followers,
are some of the greatest people to be around.
The top of the chain realizes how much he needs those working for him,
the next level under him understand that it is their job to work for the goal
of their leader and they are appreciative of how the leader understands his
need for them, etc. It is comforting and
accomplishing for everyone to have a part and a secure setting. To know what is expected, where the
boundaries are and that there is an open line of communication.
One of the
regularly overlooked benefits of such a Biblical union is the meeting of the psychological
needs of the children. When children
know that their father loves and adores their mother and that their mother
trusts and believes in their father.
When they see true compassion from dad to mom, true allegiance from mom
to dad. When they believe that mom
wouldn’t undermine dad and dad won’t let you disrespect mom and they have an
intimacy that is beyond our grasp at this age….It raises children into adults
that are less anxious, less nervous, less prone to try the wrong things and
rebel and have fears and doubts.
Why? Because they see a living example
right before their faces every single day of unity, leadership, submission,
respect, love, tenderness, trust and peace.
They now have something to strive for.
But if dad will tell the kids about mom’s weaknesses to get a laugh out
of them and dad makes a plan but mom says it’s all wrong in front of them, then
it becomes up to them to experiment on “something better”.
So wives, do not boss.
Accept or suggest. Do not
argue. Wait and discuss. If you are so smart that you have a better
plan then you should be smart enough to convince your husband to take it on
without over stepping your bounds. Your
husband will seldom be any more admired, respected or followed by anyone else
than he is by you. You have the power
to make him or break him. Men, you
should be your wife’s greatest fan.
People that know you should know of her beauty, her ability and her
strengths, because you let them know.
My last point is
this. Most people that I have counseled
have a general understanding and at least a percentage of agreement with what I
have here to fore described. But as
humans we are always amateurs at finding our own faults and professionals at
discovering those of others. The
simplest way to make your relationship better with your spouse, REGARDLESS OF
WHO IS WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE PROBLEM, is for you to do your part better. This works because it is also human nature
that a woman would struggle less to submit to a man that is loving and
protecting her and her attributes and a man would struggle less to love and
preserve a woman that is busy being on his side and helping accomplish his
goals.
If this makes me
a chauvinist…so be it. God bless.
Your humble servant,
Rev. D. Todd Slogett
